the merits of first times..

I have been horse back riding for 23 years. Leading with that I have to say that, when I was very young, I told my grandfather that I thought I would consider my self 'old' when I could reminisce in such a way.. anyway. I have been horse back riding for 23 years. During that time I have show jumped, galloped like crazy, had to hold on for dear life during fly bites, frights, bad days and wild, uncontrollable runs through forests, beaches and hills. And I have never fallen off. Never, that is, until today. So, as I am quietly on an –admittedly very- difficult white horse, he suddenly decides to pull his head down, take a left, kneel and then kick his back feet up. He had a simple goal. He wanted me off. I didn’t give him the satisfaction at first so for a few brief seconds I was on top of my game and it seemed like I was going to pull it off. Then the stirrup broke off. I lost my footing and – as my teacher put it- I decided it was time to jump ship. So I did. I leaned on the right and jumped off, hitting the ground with my right side and tumbling away as quickly as I could- following said teacher's instructions to ‘get the fuck away from him now’. The point I am trying to make isn’t that there is a first time for everything. That is a well known fact. And it is not that I hurt my ego more than I hurt myself (which is true by the way). What I’m trying to say is that I have never felt more alive. It was such a massive, engulfing adrenaline rush, such as I have never experienced before. I can replay every moment of it in my mind. The horse’s neck going really low, closing in on the ground to the right, his legs kicking up as I fell backwards to keep my balance. My left foot loosing support and then, as a very weird spinning image, the realisation that I, me, am about to fall really badly on the ground. And that fraction of the second I decide that it would be much better for me if I fall on my terms. So I let go of the reigns and flew off, fell, tumbled and got up on one knee, kicking my helmet away and running for the horse at the same time as my instructor, who might have been a bit more scared for me than I was. I told off the horse quite a bit.. I think ‘you bloody idiot’ was the kindest thing I say to him before I jumped back on, just to try and save whatever was left of my control over him. But still, this feeling that I am actually alive, hasn’t left me. And in a strange way, I feel more proud of this fall than I had for my amicable record. Here’s to firsts!

choices choices

it is strange, but sometimes when i wake up in the morning i have the feeling i have already had a full day. i want to rest, relax, get up quietly and make my way to work (where i will spend the next 9-12 hours with my head down and my ear stuck to a tel.receiver like an obedient little member of society) but i can't. cause in those few moments before i open my eyes i have already done all that. i have gone through that daily routine and i have returned to my bed (that sees less and less of me as i grow older).
i guess this probably means that i have been spending too much time doing the same thing. or maybe it means that i have tired of repeating said thing no matter how long i have been doing it.
whichever the case may be the truth remains simple. i want to wake up in my bed. make a pot of coffee -ala cooper style- and slowly go through the day doing things I need done. for me. like, paint the grey patch on my salmon balcony wall. water my plants. read 'kingdom come' with an afternoon coctail. take a long bath- after i fix my bathtub. clean the house. rearrange my bookcase. buy a new bookcase for the books and cds that now occupy the floor in front of my latin notebooks. dust the notebooks. maybe even open them up and remember writing: 'unus aves sedebat' in one of them when i was bored.
can i do these things? or do i need to give up my job to have the time to deal with them? and, oh lord, why? does it feel so satisfactory to accomplish even one of those little trivialities? like in one second, the day has gained substance and meaning, only by putting the muse cd back under 'M' on the rack.
maybe it actually is that simple.

Stretch out.. stretch back in

some days (i don't know if they have a specific characteristic or not), i feel like my body can't hold me in. like i am kind of kept inside a strange place without my wanting it. like i am too much for what carries me around (heavy shit). maybe i should think about it a bit more.
i mean... it's only natural for me not to be able to explain it. it is indeed a very strange feeling. and it is coupled with the fact that those same days i want to do EVERYthing.. like i have superexcess energy and i need somewhere to spend it!
maybe, those days, i should cut back on sugar... it could give me a different perspective! and probably save me the trouble of looking deeper into this!

xmas tree lights should be around all year

i accidentally decorated my tree two days before xmas. now it is 20 days after xmas and i still haven't taken the decorations down.
but they look so damned pretty.. and i haven't really had much time to absorb the essence of the holiday yet. i think it would be so much cuter if i just left the lights on. they would give a false sense of celebration and and even falser sense of time off coming my way!
:-) i live for illusions!

the return of the list

I have to state at this point that one of my all time favourite books is ‘High Fidelity’ by Nick Hornby. I like it, not only because of the insanely music loving characters (to who I can relate) but also because of the also insane notion of list making that Rob (the central character dude) is fixated upon. Lists are fun.. especially when they move away from the typical (‘rank your favourite batman films’ *) and focus on the practical.. like this one! So with no further ado, I proudly present my plan, on how to spend a week with only 2 euro.
No.. not just ‘any’ week.. xmas week!!
(If you are a girl. Well.. it’s easier, ain’t it?? But let’s – for arguments sake- pretend that there is only one gender. So. You can’t use your boobs (even if they’re big enough) and you can’t ask daddy for more cash. Clear? So you are a genderless person with 2 euro for xmas week.)


1. hopefully your car has some petrol left in it. Don’t use it unless you have no other option (like people picking you up, walking, cycling, crawling & begging for mercy etc). if you have a metro card you’re cool. If not you can’t really use the metro more than twice and then you’ll have no money left at all.
2. if you live in the same city as your parents go spend xmas with them. Xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day. There should be enough food left at the end of all these meals for you to take home.. that should probably keep you going for at least 3 more days. So that’s 3+3=6 you’re nearly there.. don’t complain. And yes, you probably DO have things you can cook at home.. don’t be an idiot.. you can eat rice without an assortment of steak. It just is a bit boring..
3. if you are a smoker, bump cigarettes from ANYONE you see smoking.. it’s the only way your 2 euro won’t go to the cheapest, most awful cigarette pack in the market.
4. have friends over for coffee, board games, video games etc.. you’ll have a great time, and you wont need to spend anything. If they want food, they can order take out. And if they need anything else, just tell them you have no money. They are your friends and if one of them is rich you might also get a loan..
5. again.. read books, play video games and watch series on tv (I don’t care if you need to nibble while doing those. You don’t have the money to nibble.. just shut up and have tea. It’s cheap. If you don’t have tea I’m sure you have some left over beverage..
6. if you feel like going out, go for a walk around town. It’s very nice this time of year. You can even buy a beer. There are concerts, shows, little lit up trees and houses. It’s pretty when it’s not freaking freezing!


god.. this isn’t even a challenge.. I think I’ll just put the 2 euro in my ‘capitalist piggy bank’ (lately known as ‘the cuba fund’ and try to make it without any cash at all..

Merry Christmas to all..


* yeah yeah.. i know.. rank the batman films..
Christopher Nolan for ever.. I love Burton, but come on.. we all know the worst was with Clooney, closely followed by the one with Val Kilmer..

of the naming variation

I tend to name things. for example, i call my car Prokopis. that comes out of Prokofiev not anything else. i was just thinking what name would fit a 2002 saxo and was working around names like bach, schubert etc. a friend suggested prokofiev (who, by the way, is impossible to listen to if you're not acquainted with music theory) and i called it prokopis instead.
then last week i saw on the street a guy driving a peugeot 206 with the sticker 'little bastard' stuck on the back- Little Bastard of course being what James Dean called his Porsche. yes the one he died in.
a few days later i happened by a car with another sticker 'misery', on the wind shield- yes, the misery from the book with the crazy woman and the writer..

is it a trend for us to name our cars after so dark and bleak things? (of course another friend calls her car Efterpi - but that's just not good anyway..)

On The Simplicity of Thought

thoughts need to be simple. if you're bored you're bored, you don't need a reason. if you want to watch a film why explain it further? if you want to go outside and scream why should you try to overanalyse your reasons? sometimes when a feeling is there it should just be accepted. if you love someone do you ask yourself why you do? if you want to see someone does it have to be justified with anything but your desire to see them?
for example today i want to go for a beer and then watch 'dogma' again. is it really that curious? should there be something wrong with me because i prefer it more than a martini on a yaght?
do we maybe, as a people, strain ourselves further by adding to our everyday troubles the notion of conspiracy, cover ups and hidden meanings?
when did the words 'i feel like staying in' start to equal 'i don't want to see you' or 'i am hungry' or 'i am abducted by aliens'? and when did i start sounding like Carrie Bradshaw (someone stop me)

what i am trying to convey here is a simple thought: 'it doesn't have to be complicated to be real' and in our reality, it really doesn't need to be. does it?